Sunday, January 24, 2010
Exquisite destroyer of ego with secret needs...
Destroyer of rice crispy treats
My ego is my biggest demon. Its stands tall and hovers over my deepest and dearest desires, casting an impenetrable shadow and blocking my vision. We’ve been through this so many times now, I resist as always. I stomp and scream and spit. I even turn around; if I do not acknowledge it then it can’t possibly be validated and exist. Mockingly it steps back in a gesture of obedience when I scream for it to go away. That’s part of the game you see. It can only grow stronger if it allows me the illusion of winning some ground.
Somehow I always turn back around; maybe it’s a momentary flash of naïve victory. When our eyes lock, it freezes me put. My legs can’t budge even when my mind is pleading for freedom. I’m locked in place and cannot move as it swaggers towards me. That moment hurts the most, for you realize that you created this monster and aren’t strong enough to stop it.
Its gnarly claws inch their way towards my neck with intent to nullify my true intentions. It smells so sweet and numbing, but cheap all the same. It smells so universally common so appropriate and safe. It smells so artificial like the syrup that creates soda that my teeth sting in response. It begins to stuff me with so much waste I feel like I will burst open. Instructions, excuses, and scripted conversations.
I don’t know how the notion of self first invaded my reality. It’s not so much a notion of being but of subscribing attributes to this self that were prescribed by collective society and negating the mental flexibility to expand cognitively. Rather my ego selfishly grapples at my conscious mind for full control. All the noise it creates distracts my ability to truly connect to the rhythm of the natural world that surrounds me. Your ego is your mind’s feeble attempt to control you.
I fight back though by forcefully spitting this gunk back out and into its eyes. While it is blinded I take the opportunity to step back a few steps to pick up speed and charge straight through it. I close my eyes upon impact; I’m still too scared to look while we collide. One day I’ll be able to pierce it with my own eyes and make it whiter back. Until then the demon will rise up and swagger towards me with the lust of dominance. I will resist.
Need an Adult 1
Need an Adult 2